The Wheezer Society

Dog In Flight

Neil took Mose The Whippet to Rockaway Beach on the Oregon Coast for a test flight. Seems he passed with flying fur, er, colors!

Have You Seen Billy LittleFeather?

Jimmy Chu, Billy LittleFeather and Donald Hefner

Racial Profiling

In an effort to completely eradicate racial profiling, legislation will be initiated to erase race from naming.  When publishing ‘wanted’ articles in the newspapers and magazines, the terms ‘Black Male’ and ‘Hispanic Male’, etc., have been eliminated, as they were deemed too prejudicial to those races, and promoted a negative image in the minds of unwary readers.  Now, concerned sociologists say that’s not enough.  They’re worried that publishing names such as LaQuita, Rondell, DeMarcus, or Julio in ‘wanted’ articles would cause readers to associate criminal behavior with certain races.

They’re moving to pass laws that would eliminate publishing names that might identify a suspect’s race, because they “sound too ethnic.” In the future, ‘wanted’ articles would not publish the real names of perpetrators.  Instead, a computer program would randomly assign a name that would mislead or make impossible the identification of the racial makeup of a suspect.

Instead of reading “Wanted: For Rape and murder, Tupac Jackson, a Six-foot Black Male in his early twenties, a newspaper article would read Wanted: For Rape and murder, Kenneth Stevens. (The ‘Six-foot’ was also eliminated, so as not to offend the height-challenged, and the ‘in his early twenties’ was axed, as well, for being deliberately ageist.)

conceived and written by Jay Amicarella

Wheezer of The Day

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day in my fort." - Zach Galifianakis

If Ted Kennedy Drove A Volkswagen, He'd Be President Today.

Back in high school, one of The Wheezer's favorite magazines was The National Lampoon. One of my favorite parody advertisements was this one for Volkswagen. Could this spoof have been done today? The text in the ad reads:

If Ted Kennedy Drove A Volkswagen, He'd Be President Today.

It floats.

The way our body is built, we'd be surprised if it didn't.

The sheet of flat steel that goes underneath every Volkswagen keeps out water, as well as dirt and salt and other nasty things that eat away at the underside of a car. So it's watertight at the bottom.

And everybody knows it's easier to shut the door on a Volkswagen after you've rolled down the window a little. That proves it's practically airtight on top.

If it was a boat, we could call it the Water Bug. But it's not a boat, it's a car.

And, like Mary Jo Kopechne, it's only 99 and 44/100 percent pure.

So it won't stay afloat forever. Just long enough.

Poor Teddy.

If he'd been smart enough to buy a Volkswagen, he'd never would have gotten into hot water.
-----------END AD TEXT-----------

The great thing about satire and parody is that there is always a sting of truth in the message. -SL

Laid Back Christmas

From Wheezer Jay Amicarella: the puuuurfect Christmas attitude:

Now Mister...

All People Are Born Alike

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats." - Groucho Marx

Hai Karate!

While rummaging through a box of stuff crap from grade school, I ran across a label from one of my old bottles of Hai Karate! after shave - which in my case should have been call BEFORE shave. I didn't start shaving until I was around 14 years old. But, since around junior high when girls came onto my radar screen, had to smell good! Of course, as I remember it, the other alternative "scent" was English Leather.

ANNOUNCER: You're at the top secret Hai Karate training school. These trainees are learning how to defend themselves in case they get a Hai Karate! gift set for Christmas. [Cardboard cutouts of women suddenly pop up as trainees in karate outfits wander through an open field. The men defend themselves with Karate chops.]
ANNOUNCER: [Forceful voice] Hai Karate! There's a cram course on self defense in every package. [Trainees apply more Hai Karate as three real woman approach from behind. The men turn and defend themselves]
ANNOUNCER: Hai Karate! It's like super mistletoe in a bottle. [Dorky guy fights off a pack of women.]
DORKY GUY: "Hai YA!"

The Mahareeshi Says....

Recently the wife and I stumbled into a used bookstore. In the humor section I found a couple of gems, one in particular is by the late humorist and former disc jockey Al Boliska called 'The Mahareeshi Says....'

"No problem is so big or so complicated that it cannot be run away from"

"Behind every great man stands an amazed mother-in-law"

"The trouble with politic jokes is that they sometimes get elected"

"The ostrich cannot see very well and will swallow almost anything. To politicians, that describes their ideal voter"

"A man who says that marriage is a "50-50" proposition doesn't understand two things:
1. Women
2. Fractions"

"The man who can smile when everything around him is going wrong is a golf caddy."

Oliver Stoned

Oscar-winning director Oliver Stone has pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor possession of marijuana while driving charge stemming from a police checkpoint stop, officials said. Stone's attorney entered the plea for his client Wednesday in Beverly Hills Superior Court, said Jane Robison, a spokeswoman for the Los Angeles County district attorney's office. The director, who won Oscars for the 1986 movie "Platoon" and 1989's "Born on the Fourth of July," was not in court. Stone, 58, was arrested at a drunk driving checkpoint on May 27. He paid a $100 fine and court assessments, a court representative said. In 1999, Stone pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge and driving under the influence. His next project is a film about a pair of police officers rescued from the rubble of the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, 2001.